teaching

Experiencing Shame and Compassion

October 16, 2016 by Elizabeth 5 Comments

My husband, Stewart and I went to Germany. Since I didn’t want to be a rude foreigner expecting everyone to speak MY native language, I learned enough German phrases to order in a restaurant, navigate the train systems, and translate local weather reports. Overall, the German people were warm, inviting, and friendly whether or not we spoke their language.

We travelled by train to Hamburg and schlepped our luggage from the station to our hotel. I was dreaming of soaking in a hot bath, drinking bottled water that wasn’t carbonated. Many European restaurants serve carbonated water as the beverage of choice.

We offloaded our luggage and walked to a neighborhood supermarket. As we readied for checkout, I pulled out my credit card to pay. Stewart grimaced. Germany had already switched from the magnetic swipe system I used at home to the chip system. He had seen me struggle navigating the card reader directions written in German. I explained I wanted to save my Euros for our final cab ride to the airport. I studied the person in front of me using the chip reader, trying to memorize the steps in the process.

I spoke the usual greeting, “Guten tag” to the clerk at the checkout stand. The harried 20-something woman didn’t smile back as the check-out line began to lengthen during this busy part of the day.

As she scanned my items, I inserted my card in the chip reader. I couldn’t read the German directions telling me when to remove the card or submit my PIN. My panicked brain would not retrieve the practiced German phrases. I pulled my card from the machine and handed the clerk cash. She yanked the card from my hand and barked something in German. I don’t know what she said, but it wasn’t, “Welcome to our beautiful country. May I help you?” She pushed the card back into the machine and pounded codes into the keypad.

The kind-looking man behind me gave a sympathetic half-smile. The clerk continued, louder this time. She paused. I assumed she was awaiting my response. Flustered, I could only say, “Sprechen sie English?” (Do you speak English?)

She rolled her eyes. There are some gestures that are international. Feeling the stares of those waiting in line behind me, I kept my eyes on the transation.

Stewart’s footsteps said, I told you so, as he walked toward the exit. I considered leaving my items behind and following him, but the promise of non-fizzy water and a hot bath with epsom salt changed my mind. I muttered an apology to a kind-looking man behind me, picked up the water, salt, and German chocolates, and headed for the peace and comfort of our hotel room. The week of trying to navigate a foreign culture and language was taking a toll. There was a LOT of noise going on in my head.

During the quiet of my evening salt-bath soak, I thought about the hundreds of public school students I taught who were learning a new language and culture as immigrants. I hope I was always patient and kind. But I’m sure there are times I wasn’t was overwhelmed, tired, and impatient. Like the clerk, I expected newcomers to adhere to my rigid classroom expectations. Some of my students might have taken a risk like I did to learn something new in a short time period and frustrated their classmates who huffed their impatience under their breath or rolled their eyes. I thought of the thousands of students in the schools I coach. Some of the schools educate students with as many as 50 different dialects. Considering everyone’s needs, learning styles, abilities, and language acquisition is a daunting task!

Just like my experience of learning to use a credit card chip system in another language, students learning new skills, such as mathematics, computer coding, cooking, playing an instrument, or welding while practicing a new language is over-the-top difficult. Fortunate students have teachers who understand mastery takes extra time, extra practice for students and extra patience for teachers. Less fortunate students sometimes experience public shaming.

I wonder what might have happened if someone who spoke fluent German called out the clerk for her behavior? What if someone who knew both languages stepped up to help me navigate the card reader? What if someone quietly said a few softspoken, kind words to the stressed clerk? Would a small act of courage and kindness help?

The experience reminded me to be an encourager by speaking a gentle reminder when someone rolls her eyes or sneers at the teen who doesn’t fit in. I can practice courage when someone tells a racial or ethnic joke. I can model compassion to speak up for the those outside the mainstream culture; the LGBTQ student or friend struggling to fit in; the shy obese girl; the child with special needs; or the immigrant.

Have someone ever shamed you because you were an outsider?

How did your experience help you practice compassion?

Avoiding Burnout – Getting Real About Your Schedule

August 12, 2015 by Elizabeth 1 Comment

Educators are some of the most dedicated professionals I know. They spend time and money improving their skills; devote countless hours outside their required work hours preparing lessons and the classroom environment; and attend trainings and take college classes to improve their craft. Many use money from their family budget to supply their classrooms or send snacks home with hungry children. Because of educators’ devotion to service, they often find themselves overworked, tired, and missing the time and energy to enjoy their families.

If an educator desires a long-term profession rather than a temporary job, one must find ways to sustain the energy and finances over time. Trying to do too much at once to the detriment of one’s health, personal fulfillment, finances, or family life leads to burn out. See Self-care for Teachers: A Lesson from my Peach Tree. Busy teachers find themselves helping beyond the school day to sponsor student organizations; attend professional development; coach sports, music, or fine arts activities; serve on committees; sponsor a class; help with the prom; sell tickets or work in concession stands at sporting events; and/or help students raise funds for various events. Because educators have skills and experience, communities and organizations often ask for help with teaching faith-based classes, hosting events, and organizing service projects. All of these activities are worthy of an educator’s time and effort, but it is impossible to do everything at once without burning up and burning out. In order to have an enduring career in the education profession, it’s important to consider request for time carefully and consider the following.

Evaluate your time. Keep a log of your time for several days during a typical week and weekend. Mark each day in 15-minute increments and keep track of how you spent your time. Include planning, teaching, answering emails, grading student work, meeting with colleagues, serving on committees, communicating with parents. Include sleep, showering and dressing, answering emails, preparing meals, eating, exercise, rest, play, and family time.
Evaluate your mission. For teachers: Is it to provide the best possible instruction? For principals and other school leaders: Is your mission to provide services to improve instruction? For all: Do you have a mission or goals for your personal life? If not, consider what you want for yourself and your family and write a personal and family mission statement.
Compare your time log and your mission. Does your time log mirror your mission and goals? If your mission is to help teachers with instruction, yet you more time dealing with angry parents or on management task rather than improving instruction, your actions are misaligned. Which activities need reevaluation? Are there some activities in your personal life that do not add value to your life? Might you eliminate or minimize these?
Consider improvement over time. Which activities will help you improve your professional practice? Consider how you might complete those activities over time rather than doing too much at once. For example, you might spend 15 minutes a few times a week learning a new skill or connecting with teachers on social media sites to glean new teaching techniques. Alternatively, would an uninterrupted block of time help you improve? An example is attending professional development over a long weekend rather than learning skills in short segments?
Assign teamwork – In order to improve schools, everyone must do some extra duties, such as participating in professional learning communities or providing students with extra help or enrichment activities. How might schools or teams divide the work fairly?
Ask for help. Look for ways for others to help you at home and at school. Is it possible for your older children to help with laundry and meals? Does your school have parent group that can help you with classroom duties? Are some of the teachers doing most of the work? Are there community groups that can send snacks home with hungry students on days when school meal programs are unavailable?
Finally, find joy in your work. Which activities do you enjoy? When we are living our life’s purpose, there is joy in our work and life. While we all have some duties that simply have to be done, how might you minimize the time on those task to do the work you enjoy most? Are there others on your home or school team who would love doing the activities you detest? Could you do some of their tasks in return?

It can be scary to look at your schedule in a new way. But having the resources including time and energy for a balanced life is worth the effort. Next: The Art of Saying NO

Self-care for Teachers: A Lesson from my Peach Tree

August 3, 2015 by Elizabeth 4 Comments

Some years the single peach tree in our garden produces so much fruit that I make enough jelly for our extended family and close friends. Other years, drought, warm winters, or a late freeze prevents the tree from bearing. Early this spring, we were delighted to see hundreds of pink blossoms turn into tiny fuzzy peaches. The bumper crop was due to the right number of cool winter nights and plenty of winter and spring rains. I counted the days until the flesh would ripen and the green fruit would morph to peach and cream, fuzzy, deliciousness. I imagined the first bite of the fully ripe fruit so juicy that the nectar would dribble down my chin. I purchased half-pint jelly jars from the local dollar store, envisioning the delight of my family and friends as we presented homemade jelly as gifts.

This year, the tree produced hundreds of peaches no larger than a golf ball. The tree dropped most of its leaves and looked sickly. I researched gardening websites to figure out what we had done wrong. Did we need more fertilizer or water? The answer was that we should have pruned some of the fruit. To be exact, we should have clipped away much of the small fruit allowing each peach six to eight inches of space on the tree. The gardening experts state that the tree cannot provide enough nutrients and water to grow the fruit the proper size. I’m concerned that our tree might not survive the remainder of the hot Texas summer and fall.
My fruit tree taught me a lesson in self-care. While I’s counterintuitive to prune and discard what looks like perfectly good fruit, sometimes I need to do so. Sometimes I do so many things that I don’t do any of them well. Pruning my schedule and my to-do list helps me focus on quality rather than quantity. What do you need to prune from your life and teaching practice?

Insist on Educational Excellence

February 10, 2015 by Elizabeth 4 Comments

I recently took a trip to nowhere to keep my airline priority status. My friends found it amusing that I would spend my own nickel and a Saturday during the holiday season to keep the status. My previous job assignment required that I travel to multiple schools weekly. Since I spent more time developing curriculum recently, I traveled less and needed three more flying segments between cities to keep my status for another year. Therefore, I flew to a nearby city and returned the same day. Before my work required frequent travel, I didn’t realize all of the perks that came with priority membership. I really would miss those privileges.

Elite status means I don’t have to pay to check my bags, which saves money. I calculated the return on investment for purchasing a trip to nowhere and determined that I would eventually save money by purchasing a short trip. As an elite airline member, I have seats available to me that other passengers do not have. I am able to board earlier than non-elite passengers are. For road warriors looking for a hassle free experience, early boarding allows ease in storing belongings before the bins are full. This means I save time by having my bags nearby and save travel time. On full flights, late arrivals must sometimes stow luggage to the rear of their seat meaning they must wait until the plane clears and schlep to the back of the plane to collect belongings. A delay when trying to make a connecting flight, make it to a meeting, or arriving late at the hotel sometimes makes a difference. When I call on the airline for service, the airline representative greets me by name. My cell phone number is in the database and they move the order of my call higher in the queue in order to help me with rescheduling my flight in the event of a delay. They use my preference information to book an aisle seat and text the information to me.

When I moved from gold to platinum status, I was surprised to find even more perks – perhaps the most important one when it comes to customer service. They mark my checked bags with a priority tag meaning that my bags might be one of the first to arrive on the carousel, saving time to get to the hotel or meeting. Perhaps the most important platinum benefits are a pack of tickets elite members is a packet of printed slips to reward employees for excellent service. I am not sure what they receive from the airline, but it must be good – because they scramble to help elite members, offering snacks, personally delivered information on connecting flights, and checking to see if one is comfortable.

As I travelled that day, I thought about how my perspective changed when I saw the difference in customer service between being a regular flyer and being an elite member. During my career, I have visited hundreds of schools and classrooms. Some children receive an education that is the equivalent of having elite membership. Schools and school districts offer the offer superior sports programs, fine arts and performing arts programs, and superior academics. The schools offer field experiences, exposing students to a world outside of their neighborhood by visiting businesses and industries and behind the scenes tours and speaking with professionals in the field. Some classrooms have amazing guest artists, and trips to the ballet, the symphony, and museums. Some schools have outstanding science, engineering, engineering, and math (STEM) programs with modern science equipment, planetariums, outdoor classrooms, classroom gardens, and partnerships with local industry and colleges and access to STEM professionals as mentors. Privileged students have access to updated technology and adequate computer access for every student so they do not have to fight for computer time or spend time hand writing assignments that they could type in a fraction of the time. It is similar to knowing I have a place to store luggage on the plane or trying to beat other passengers to the storage bin during a late boarding. In elite-type schools, teachers use technology to teach, record grades, help with homework, provide tutorials and extra help resources for students, and communicate with parents.

My work with children in less fortunate situations is challenging. While I find it thrilling to help schools improve, I sometimes have to convince the teachers, school leaders, and district leaders that there are experiences beyond what they know. They attempt to do the best they can with what they have, but have become discouraged when their requests for teaching materials, time to collaborate, and better professional development are turned down. Some believe that their schools are good enough because they have never seen better schools. Their experiences are much like those of my friends and colleagues who think I’m wasting my time and money travelling to nowhere and back. Many educators and parents do not know what students are missing. If they did, they would insist on quality experiences for every child. They would insist that decision makers and legislators fully fund educational efforts.

In communities in which parents expect an outstanding educational experience for their children, they insist that schools have the necessary facilities, technology, equipment, and the latest professional development for staff. Educated parents do not tolerate poor teaching or leadership. Parents expect no less than the best. They use their resources to ensure the school and or the district takes action to improve the situation. They use their political power to press for improvement. When the budget doesn’t allow for what some believe are extras and I believe are essential, such as violin lessons, piano labs, and foreign language training at all grade levels, parents raise funds to provide these perks. When a classroom or school does not provide the proper environment, parents might resort to moving their child to a class with an effective teacher or switch schools to make sure their children have the best possible education.

Every student deserves an elite experience.

Banishing the Boogieman

October 15, 2014 by Elizabeth Leave a Comment

After reading my last blog, My Son Would Have Turned 30 Today, several blog readers sent private messages to me sharing their struggles with their children who have depression or other brain chemistry imbalances. I’m honored when someone trusts me enough to share personal struggles. It’s tough for a parent to watch their child that they love more than life itself suffer, self-medicate, get in trouble with the law, or self-destruct in some other way.

After Jay’s suicide, I received an overwhelming amount of love and support from my family, my church family, friends, colleagues from the district I worked in, and from colleagues from the school where I taught the previous school year. I received some type of sympathy message via phone call, email, card, letter, or flowers every day for a full year after Jay died. It is such a blessing to be a recipient of unconditional love. It’s not the norm for the parent of a school shooter. Most go into hiding due to the negative media attention and hostility from individuals.

Since Jay’s death was so public, our family’s private life became transparent. There were camera crews covering the events as they unfolded at the school. They were at my son’s funeral filming our family and other mourners. My life and my son’s death were food for ratings-hungry media outlets. Our family was not perfect by any means. This became clear to anyone who watched or read the news.

Others knowing my frailties and failures liberate me. It was exhausting to pretend I had a perfect life, perfect marriage, and perfect children. Having the worst happen in public allowed me to see the worst in people and survive. Consequently, I learned that I was stronger than public ridicule, betrayal, and my own guilt. I also learned how to forgive in a way I never thought possible.

Once my private pain became public, friends, acquaintances, and sometimes complete strangers felt it was okay to share their very personal problems with me. My life’s events made me seem human and vulnerable. Like them, I had and still have personal heartaches and struggles. Some individuals shared that they were in unhappy marriages. Others confided their worries about their children’s, addictions, legal issues, suicide attempts, depression, or episodes of domestic abuse. It’s remarkable how those who seem to have charmed lives have more going on than one can see by looking from the outside.

I learned that no one has a perfect life. Marriage partners have conflicts and sometimes divorce. Families sometimes have job or financial difficulties. Most families have members with addictions, brain chemistry imbalances, eating disorders, health issues, or simply a child who is more difficult to rear than the others. Those who go to the greatest lengths to hide life’s imperfections typically have the most to hide. They are also the ones who hurt the most.

People keep secrets because of guilt and shame. Hiding the secret gives it power. It is like the boogieman that hides in a child’s closet or under the bed. He is unknown and unexamined. He grows in the dark spaces of one’s mind and disappears in the light. Likewise, guilt and shame gain power in secrecy and lose their power when one turns on the light by sharing the secret with the right person or people.

At one time, polite society members did not talk about certain illnesses, such as breast cancer openly. As a result, women needlessly died from inability to recognize the symptoms or from fear of seeking treatment due to embarrassment or shame. Mental illness and/or addictions are still taboo subjects. Those who are sick suffer more than necessary because they are afraid of the sigma of mental illness. When the pain is too much to bear, some take their own lives. It is time for discussions about mental health to become as ordinary as discussions about any other illness. The stigma, shame, fear, and guilt diminish in the light of frank discussions.

What do you think? When is it okay to ask to help? What should remain private?

Experiencing Shame and Compassion

Avoiding Burnout – Getting Real About Your Schedule

Self-care for Teachers: A Lesson from my Peach Tree

Insist on Educational Excellence

Banishing the Boogieman

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