Dr. Elizabeth Green

Instructional Designer, Writer, and Free Spirit

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Banishing the Boogieman

October 15, 2014 by Elizabeth Leave a Comment

Boogieman (640x452)

After reading my last blog, My Son Would Have Turned 30 Today, several blog readers sent private messages to me sharing their struggles with their children who have depression or other brain chemistry imbalances. I’m honored when someone trusts me enough to share personal struggles.  It’s tough for a parent to watch their child that they love more than life itself suffer, self-medicate, get in trouble with the law, or self-destruct in some other way.

After Jay’s suicide, I received an overwhelming amount of love and support from my family, my church family, friends, colleagues from the district I worked in, and from colleagues from the school where I taught the previous school year. I received some type of sympathy message via phone call, email, card, letter, or flowers every day for a full year after Jay died.  It is such a blessing to be a recipient of unconditional love.  It’s not the norm for the parent of a school shooter.  Most go into hiding due to the negative media attention and hostility from individuals.

Since Jay’s death was so public, our family’s private life became transparent. There were camera crews covering the events as they unfolded at the school.  They were at my son’s funeral filming our family and other mourners.  My life and my son’s death were food for ratings-hungry media outlets.  Our family was not perfect by any means.  This became clear to anyone who watched or read the news.

Others knowing my frailties and failures liberate me. It was exhausting to pretend I had a perfect life, perfect marriage, and perfect children.  Having the worst happen in public allowed me to see the worst in people and survive.  Consequently, I learned that I was stronger than public ridicule, betrayal, and my own guilt.  I also learned how to forgive in a way I never thought possible.

Once my private pain became public, friends, acquaintances, and sometimes complete strangers felt it was okay to share their very personal problems with me. My life’s events made me seem human and vulnerable.  Like them, I had and still have personal heartaches and struggles.  Some individuals shared that they were in unhappy marriages.  Others confided their worries about their children’s, addictions, legal issues, suicide attempts, depression, or episodes of domestic abuse.  It’s remarkable how those who seem to have charmed lives have more going on than one can see by looking from the outside.

I learned that no one has a perfect life. Marriage partners have conflicts and sometimes divorce.  Families sometimes have job or financial difficulties.  Most families have members with addictions, brain chemistry imbalances, eating disorders, health issues, or simply a child who is more difficult to rear than the others.  Those who go to the greatest lengths to hide life’s imperfections typically have the most to hide.  They are also the ones who hurt the most.

People keep secrets because of guilt and shame. Hiding the secret gives it power.  It is like the boogieman that hides in a child’s closet or under the bed.  He is unknown and unexamined.  He grows in the dark spaces of one’s mind and disappears in the light.  Likewise, guilt and shame gain power in secrecy and lose their power when one turns on the light by sharing the secret with the right person or people.

At one time, polite society members did not talk about certain illnesses, such as breast cancer openly. As a result, women needlessly died from inability to recognize the symptoms or from fear of seeking treatment due to embarrassment or shame.  Mental illness and/or addictions are still taboo subjects.  Those who are sick suffer more than necessary because they are afraid of the sigma of mental illness.  When the pain is too much to bear, some take their own lives.  It is time for discussions about mental health to become as ordinary as discussions about any other illness.  The stigma, shame, fear, and guilt diminish in the light of frank discussions.

What do you think? When is it okay to ask to help?  What should remain private?  

Back to School Vision Board for Middle and High School Students

August 19, 2013 by Elizabeth Leave a Comment

 

istock climbing

Vision boards are a powerful tool to help pre-teens and teens set meaningful and achievable goals for the new school year.  The basic principles are the same for younger children creating vision board.  See my previous post, Setting Back to School Goals with a Vision Board. Adolescents are ready for abstract thinking and enjoy imagining themselves in the future, so you can have fun with this exercise and take the vision board to a higher level.

  •  Brainstorm goals for the year – such as grades, school events, how you want to dress, etc.
  • Also write goals for parts of yourself you want to develop.  True abundance is not just having more things or accomplishing more.   We are not human havings.  We are human beings.  What do you want to BE?  Do you want to be kinder, more creative ,honest, trustworthy, helpful, patient, wise?  How about more even-tempered, more relaxed, have more fun?  Write these things down.
  • Next, set some intermediate goals, such as plans for two or more years ahead – this may include plans after graduation, college or technical school.
  • Now, set at least one, big, hairy, audacious goal.  Something so large that will stretch your imagination!  It will be fun to watch this happen!
  • These goals need to involve you and what you want rather than someone else.  For example, don’t set a goal to have a certain boy or girl ask you on a date.  That is a goal for someone else.   Write goals for yourself, such as I want to spend more time with friends or make new friends.
  • Be as specific as you can for now.  If you want more time with friends, write how many more hours per week you want to spend with friends.  Instead of I want to have more fun, write how you want to have fun.  Is it sporting events, camping more, hiking or swimming?  I will write more on goal setting on a separate post.  You can update your vision board later.
  • Find or create visual representations of what you want.  Be specific.  Think through all the details including dates you want this to happen.   Cut out pictures, words, symbols from magazines or use your artistic talents to draw what you want.
  • Post the pictures on poster board, bulletin board, or make an online poster.  You might even use Pinterest to create your board.  Place your vision board somewhere you see every day, such as your locker door, bedroom, or near your toothbrush.
  • Write dates of when you want to achieve your goals next to your picture or symbol.

I would love to have pictures of your vision board to post in this community.

About Me

Hi! I'm Elizabeth. ...a researcher, educator, instructional designer, writer, mom, activist, and optimist, and this is my personal blog.  I mostly write about educational issues, but can get sidetracked into issues that I find interesting or timely.   Disclaimer This is my personal … Read More...

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Hi! I'm Elizabeth. ...a researcher, educator, instructional designer, writer, mom, activist, and optimist, and this is my personal blog.  I mostly write about educational issues, but can get … Read More...

From the Blog

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  • Leaving Shame Behind
  • Avoiding Burnout – Getting Real About Your Schedule
  • Self-care for Teachers: A Lesson from my Peach Tree
  • Insist on Educational Excellence

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