Had he lived my son, Jay, would have been 30 today. Like most 
mothers who survive a child, I find his birthday bittersweet. On my firstborn’s birthday, I remember the glorious day he was born and all the events leading up to his birth. I reminisce about the birthdays that followed, the toddler years when he tore into the piles of gifts. In later years, birthdays included sleepovers and picnics with friends at the lake. God blessed me with the honor of being his mom on this earth for 16 years.
The first years after his suicide, birthdays were extraordinarily painful, filled with guilt, remorse, sadness, questions of what if – all mixed with some righteous anger. As time passed, the birthdays became bearable, mixed with good memories and sadness that he isn’t physically present on the earth to celebrate another trip around the sun.
Jay would have been 30 today. On this monumental birthday, I celebrate his sweet memory, but I am also curious. What would his life been like if he had survived depression? What type of work would he do? Would he have married? Would he have children like many of his friends? Would his tall, thin frame have changed to be thick around the middle? His first niece was born this year (my granddaughter). I don’t have to guess how he would have felt about that. He would have been thrilled. With his delightful sense of humor, he would have found quirky ways to make her laugh. In my mind, I can see his dimpled smile and the twinkle in his eyes.
Many of my friends and colleagues know that I lost a son to suicide. However, most do not know that Jay was a school shooter. Jay held his former English class hostage before taking his own life. Most parents of school shooters go into hiding. With the support of family and friends and because I was the sole supporter of the family, I continued to work. I don’t know of any school shooters who had a parents who work in education. The school district I worked in at the time was supportive of my unique situation and I was able to maintain my job. Since they knew me before the events, they realized that if such an event could happen to me, it could happen to anyone. As I moved to other jobs, I didn’t share the information openly until today – Jay’s 30 birthday.
To say the least, Jay found school unbearable on so many levels. Because of Jay’s life and death, I have work very hard to make high schools better places for young people. The work of school improvement is extraordinarily difficult with long hours. Those of us in this profession often work late into the evenings and sometimes must work all night or through the weekend to meet deadlines. The travel schedule and hotel life can be brutal. Jay’s memory keeps me going. I hope no other parents to have to celebrate their child’s birthday while wondering what if.
Thank you Beth for your courage. You are a lightbearer to those around you. Thank you for working to improve the social and learning environment in schools for our children and for maximizing the potential for success for all students.
Alexis – Thank you for the work you do for children who need extra TLC and patience.
Jay is as real to me as if he were here in the room. His presence on this earth was way too short, but he has left a huge impact on many. I believe he would be very proud of his mom and sister and niece.
Saralyn – Maybe his purpose in life was to help others. I’ve decided there are some things I may not understand in this lifetime.
God Bless You Beth! What an incredible story and what an incredible response to your tragedy. I have respected your work and your work ethic and have enjoyed our friendship since we met. This post has enhanced my respect for you as a professional and as a person. It makes me understand your drive and your passion for making school a better place for kids!
Thank you, Donald, for the work you do to help make schools a better place. Each of us has a gift to share and one of yours is leadership.
Beth,
So beautifully written, this long journey. Your work to better schools is needed and appreciated so.
Love , Julie
Julie – your work as a teacher is so very important! Good teachers mean the difference between a good school experience or bad…and sometimes life and death. Thank you for your service.
Thank you for the encouragement.
I hope one of your next step will be to write a book for those who are the survivors. I know your heart and your gentleness with your words would be of great strength and peace to others who must walk the same path you have. As a friend, I am proud of your great grace in the ability of sharing this story and moving forward to help others that face such pain in their life. I love you.
Thank you, Margaret. I love you too.
I am truly sorry for your loss Beth. I do not know how it must feel to have a child go before the parent. I do know however about the loss of a sibling and a parent. As my whole immediate family have gone to rest.
Although, I had an aunt who commited suicide when I was very young and I have dealt with depression and the thought of suicide. It’s a dark life for some of us but there is hope and help out there. You just have to recognize it.
Peace to you and yours.
Mike, Thanks for the kind words.